179 Days | 247.2 lbs
It's been a week or so since I wrote here. It's been a hard and learning experience.
My belief as always is that weight loss begins in the kitchen. Despite my years of a million methods...calorie counting wins again.
Trying to stay "keto" with lower carbs? Kind of. But the trust is that eating a giant bowl of popcorn (low calories but high carbs) is still at this time more satisfying than a little bit of high fat meat.
Trying to keep to OMAD (on meal a day)? When I can...but right now having a big lunch and a small night time snack is winning me over mentally.
Drinking? I fell some good progress here. Instead of drinking the equivalent of 1.5 bottles of wine a night (in my boxed wine form)...I've started enjoying a bit of THC (in vape form) with my spouse at night, and keeping my alcohol intake down to 1-2 shots of brandy a night in the form of large tea drinks over the course of 3-5 hours.
But the main goal...working toward it. Not much cumulative lost over the week, but a lot of what I feel is constructive observation over the last week. It's dumb, because from battling this all my life I should know more right away, but it always seems like this is a learning lesson. At this time of my life I'm more able to do X vs Y, so now I have to include new information.
Growing old...what a pain.
All that to say, not much progress in numbers it seems, but a good bit in the mental area. Things that I've allowed myself to cheat with...they are at least very slightly less tempting than before. I still want to eat X all evening long (where X is either noodles or cheetos), but I'm able to avoid getting up and getting it with the use of THC and healthy snacks...or at least low-cal snacks, like popcorn.
Anywho...This is my one night a week to still drink wine, and apparently (a good thing!), my tolerance for wine has already started to go down. It's hardly 9pm here and I'm needing to lay down, lol.
Please, Universe/Jesus/MySubconcious...let me be able to keep up my willpower tomorrow.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Cinco De Mayo
195 Days | 248.1 lbs
Because that's what it is these days...a constant nagging, a niggling in the back of my mind.
But it is Cinco de Mayo so of course I craved Mexican food. We ended up ordering Torchy's tacos. I mean, it's Cinco de Mayo, and Taco Tuesday...and as the memes say these days, it's also in the middle of a pandemic named after a Mexican beer. Hardy har.
I ate my tacos and they were delicious, as well as some chips and dip. I put those calories in my calorie tracker and lived to tell the tale.
I had planned to eat a salad tonight, but I find myself not hungry. It's after 10pm, so I'm proud of myself for not giving in to any temptations to eat for the sake of eating.
Tonight I tried to dye my and my daughter's hair using kool-aid. And it was a fail, lol. The video tutorials I watched said to use kool-aid and conditioner....and apparently cheating by using 3-in-1 soap for kids doesn't work the same, lol. Looks like I'll be donning a face mask to the grocery store tomorrow to try and right this wrong. You can't just promise a little girl colorful hair and give up on the first try, right?
Between the back pain and my kind of...down mood...I didn't do anything in the way of exercise today, but I know the main struggle and the most important one is to get the eating under control first. For today, I feel successful in that area.
And...that's pretty much the story of the day. It's too late and I'm too tired to delve into any more history, and there's really no other crazy story of the day.
Today's Methods:
Taco Madness...which ended up around 900ish calories.
3...maybe 4 glasses of wine? (the wine is another struggle all on its own, I'm sure we'll get to that post at some point)
Monday, May 4, 2020
Day 2
196 Days | 249.1 lbs
Yesterday's post was dramatic, but also needed I think
A little background, so that this makes sense to anyone who ever stumbles upon this, or to like, 80-year old me who is probably have crazy by now.
I grew up the chubby kid. It was the 80's, and though I'd covet the size I was then, I was always the chubbiest one in my classes. Surprisingly, I was hardly ever bullied. I never realized how lucky I was until I grew up and read horror stories of how people were treated in schools. I tried diets all the way through the 80's and 90's.
My weight did nothing but balloon up in college. Whereas my mom had no idea the crap she fed me in the 80's was crap, the freedom to eat out any time I wanted added to my struggles. I think sometime during those years, I hit 300, if not close to it. I don't remember weighing at all.
In my late 20's and early 30's, I became much more educated on how the body works. This was mostly due to my trying to conceive a daughter. Between reading about infertility treatments, I learned about PCOS, and insulin resistance. Through a miscarriage, working apart from my spouse (where we could only see each other on the weekends), some unhealthy diet choices and exercise, I saw 199 on the scale. The next day, I found out I finally was pregnant.
I had my daughter (the flabby accuser) in 2012.
My ex-husband left us in 2013.
Three months prior to that, my father had suddenly passed away, one day after we had celebrated his 69th and my daughter's first birthday.
It's amazing how much the pain of losing your father, finding out your spouse is cheating on you and the subsequent stress of figuring out how to live without a partner (having moved straight from living with my parents to living with my high school sweetheart and being married for 12 years), being a single mom (having grown up the youngest...I had no clue how to handle children)...how much that pain can exhibit a response in the body so different from how you usually handle stress.
Divorce anger, needing something to focus on, and a stress reliever...by 2014 I was the smallest that I could ever recall being before caring what a scale even said: 165 pounds.
And then I met my current husband. Lol, of course.
I never expected someone to want to marry me again anytime soon. I had a 2 year old daughter, who would want to mess with that? My husband did, and he has been amazing since the first date.
I remarried in 2015. Three months later, I was pregnant again.
Too sleepy to continue this post tonight. Hopefully part two will be here tomorrow.
Today's methods:
Breakfast/Lunch: banana, strawberry, pineapple, and vanilla protein shake smoothie.
Dinner: Caesar salad pre-mix salad
3 Glasses of Wine
Yesterday's post was dramatic, but also needed I think
A little background, so that this makes sense to anyone who ever stumbles upon this, or to like, 80-year old me who is probably have crazy by now.
I grew up the chubby kid. It was the 80's, and though I'd covet the size I was then, I was always the chubbiest one in my classes. Surprisingly, I was hardly ever bullied. I never realized how lucky I was until I grew up and read horror stories of how people were treated in schools. I tried diets all the way through the 80's and 90's.
My weight did nothing but balloon up in college. Whereas my mom had no idea the crap she fed me in the 80's was crap, the freedom to eat out any time I wanted added to my struggles. I think sometime during those years, I hit 300, if not close to it. I don't remember weighing at all.
In my late 20's and early 30's, I became much more educated on how the body works. This was mostly due to my trying to conceive a daughter. Between reading about infertility treatments, I learned about PCOS, and insulin resistance. Through a miscarriage, working apart from my spouse (where we could only see each other on the weekends), some unhealthy diet choices and exercise, I saw 199 on the scale. The next day, I found out I finally was pregnant.
I had my daughter (the flabby accuser) in 2012.
My ex-husband left us in 2013.
Three months prior to that, my father had suddenly passed away, one day after we had celebrated his 69th and my daughter's first birthday.
It's amazing how much the pain of losing your father, finding out your spouse is cheating on you and the subsequent stress of figuring out how to live without a partner (having moved straight from living with my parents to living with my high school sweetheart and being married for 12 years), being a single mom (having grown up the youngest...I had no clue how to handle children)...how much that pain can exhibit a response in the body so different from how you usually handle stress.
Divorce anger, needing something to focus on, and a stress reliever...by 2014 I was the smallest that I could ever recall being before caring what a scale even said: 165 pounds.
And then I met my current husband. Lol, of course.
I never expected someone to want to marry me again anytime soon. I had a 2 year old daughter, who would want to mess with that? My husband did, and he has been amazing since the first date.
I remarried in 2015. Three months later, I was pregnant again.
Too sleepy to continue this post tonight. Hopefully part two will be here tomorrow.
Today's methods:
Breakfast/Lunch: banana, strawberry, pineapple, and vanilla protein shake smoothie.
Dinner: Caesar salad pre-mix salad
3 Glasses of Wine
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Flabby Like Me...
Well, today is the day my daughter said it. The sentiment that I knew would come but had been believing I'd someday outrun.
"I'm not going to be flabby like you."
There is a story here, a long, drawn-out, monster of a typical story. The same story of most over-weight people who have struggled with weight their whole lives have to tell. It's not unique, per se, but it's mine. Maybe some day I'll have the time and mental power to tell it all.
The irony of the world being in the midst of a global pandemic and my starting a blog is not lost on me. That I'm worrying about something as silly as an off-handed comment by my innocent child...prompted me to start a blog? This was something I would do in my 20s. Does anyone even read blogs anymore?
But for now, I have 197 days. I turn 40 in 197 days and today I feel that in my heart and soul. I haven't even really cared about it until lockdown...as I saw what little progress I still had under my belt slip away in stress and anxiety.
And here we are. I'm sure the stress and anxiety will only ramp up, but all I care about is how my impressionable daughter sees me. How much I let her down by returning to that place I swore I'd never go to again.
Heh, I forgot how dramatic I could be at times. I really am usually a pretty positive person.
Please, me of tomorrow, me of the next 197 days, don't forget how you felt in that moment. Don't wallow in it, but don't forget.
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